he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Holy sore nipples Batman
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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