dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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