I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
