I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize