I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
