i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
