i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
