A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
