You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
