ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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