It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
one might say we're banned from that church
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Please don't give away my fajitas
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
