Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
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