wat bout pragnant strippers??
im having a threesome with these popsicles
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
