you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
