I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
