...so i touched it.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
