she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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