Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You ate ashes out of my bong
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
