i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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