So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
