Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
