I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
