I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
