Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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