Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Randomize
