My Higher Power is John Stamos
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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