hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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