i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
