Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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