Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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