it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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