There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
