I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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