I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
