Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am midnight drunk by noon
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
