did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
