I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
