so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
