sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
