You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dick very happy bro
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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