Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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