Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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