Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize