I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
