He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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