The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
