On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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