apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
