Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
