No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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