i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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