I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
