so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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