If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
