The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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