Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
