Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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