I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
