There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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