Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
