I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
