you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
